Mox Musings

I had a dream last night that I called you, and you answered. I could tell you were at work, but you answered anyway. Had it been six months ago, you would not have answered because of your job.
I told you we were coming up to work everything out and would be there on Wednesday. You stated in the dream that you were off that night but would not take off work till Friday.
I woke up missing you, missing Montana.
Fifteen years of trying to be a good friend, a listening ear, and someone you could count on after so many hurt you.
And yet, I feel abandoned.
Did I expect too much? Maybe. Did I want someone I could be close to? Yeah. Would I have stood between you and your darkest enemy? Yes.
And yet, I feel so empty without your texts, calls, and random facts.
But I do know this: no matter how much it hurts my heart; I cannot heal you.
I cannot take away your pain, your memories or change what has happened.
I wish I could go back and find the root of the moment, the catalyst that charged the chasm open, but even then, I do not know if that would have changed the outcome between us.
I have held you to my heart more now than ever before. I know that life has been brutal to you, and the choices that were made…that had to be made were not easy.
I wish I were there to stand for you again, to hear your laugh, or sit next to the fire with you again.
I promised you many years ago that when you were ready, I would be there to walk with you through the most painful moments and memories.
I am still here.
I am still waiting.
I am still hurting.
I am still missing you.
I am still missing Montana.